Every year, we ask a few of our recent parent attendees to share their stories with our community as parent speakers at the October Memorial. This year we were blessed to hear from Britni Gernandt in honor of her beloved daughter, Kinsley Gernandt. We’re sharing her speech here on the blog with our sincere thanks to Britni. We are remembering Kinsley with you today and always.
Britni Gernandt, October 14, 2018
The story we are about to share like many of your own stories is full of brokenness, heartache, tears, devastation, bitterness, anger and loss but it’s also full of growth, love, compassion, understanding, faith and hope. This is our story about our beautiful daughter, Kinsley.
On January 11th, 2016 we found out we were pregnant. As many of you know, your dreams start building the moment you see the positive sign but we did not see the storm ahead.
Everything was going great and then our 20 week appointment came. I got a call the next day that change the course of our life forever…. something is wrong with your daughters heart. You need to come in for more testing. My world stopped and all I heard was muffling as the nurse talked to me. I was just trying to process what she just told me.
All I had that night to get me through until the appointment was hope.. hope they made a mistake or it wasn’t serious but that hope turned into even worse news when we made it to the appointment.. your daughter has half a heart, she can’t live outside of you. We were devastated and shocked. We will never forget that heartbreaking moment. We were referred to a cardiologist were we hoped we could get answers to what our daughter had.
We met with Kinsley cardiologist and found out our daughter had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, meaning her left side was underdeveloped. It is one of the most severe heart defects and as a parent this is devastating news but we learned there were things they could do to help her. We knew our daughter had a hard road ahead. She would required three open heart surgeries in the first few years of her life. We were sent to UCSF children’s hospital where we had a plan once she was born. Once again, we found hope; hope in these doctors, hope that Kinsley would be a good case and hope the surgeries would go well. During my pregnancy I started my grief process. I was grieving a healthy child. I was in denial at times, mad, bitter, sad, angry and I felt alone. It killed me knowing what Kinsley was going to have to go through her whole life but we came to terms with it and we knew we would fight along side of our daughter because we had no choice.
Then, September 2nd came, which was a week before I was to deliver Kinsley at UCFS. I was at my last non-stress test where they monitor her heart. Everything was fine then all of a sudden her heart rate just dropped. Pure panic filled the room. They rushed me to a near by hospital and did an emergency C-section. Kinsley was born not breathing but they performed CPR and our girl came back to us by God’s miracle and grace. I have always felt she knew how hard and how much I struggled during my pregnancy that she knew I had to meet her, so she came back to us. We had our beautiful girl for three days but due to lack of oxygen for too long her organs starting shutting down. Shane and I made a decision no parent should ever have to make but we knew she had to go be with god. We held our girl as she grew angels wings on September 4th.
Leaving the hospital without my baby was the cruelest, and hardest thing I have done. I truly didn’t know how I was going to pick up the pieces of my life. I didn’t think I would ever smile or laugh again. My world stopped but everyone around me was still living and I felt dead inside. I truly didn’t know how I would survive this pain until a nurse told me about sharing parents and I knew my heart needed it. I called the number two weeks after losing Kinsley. For the first time I spoke to someone who knew my pain. I wasn’t alone. She informed me that they had a meeting that Sunday and I told Shane we were going and it was the greatest thing I have ever done. I left that meeting knowing I was going to be okay, knowing I wasn’t alone, knowing there is hope in this darkness, and that I will get through this deep pain to better days. We then did the 5 week Navigating Grief Series which was so healing. I meet some of my closest friends in this group. Friends that speak the same language, friends I can cry with, friends who understand my daily struggles, friends where no words need to be spoken and without sharing parents I would never have found these amazing woman to walk this journey with. These girls have saved me in so many ways and our now life long friends. Sharing parents gives us a safe place to share our stories, meet people who speak the same language, people who remember our children, know our pain and celebrate our new joys.
I know everyone is at a different place in his or her grief journey. Some people it’s very new and some people are years out but I do know no matter where we are in our journey its so much easier when traveled with people who understand your deep grief because we all know this is a life sentence and it come is waves or even seasons.
I have grown so much as a person, my faith in God has grown and I have learned there is always hope in the darkest of days. No matter how small that hope may be it’s there. Some days it’s hoping you can get to the next hour and others time it’s hoping that tomorrow will be better. The hope that I held onto and that kept me going in my darkest days was that one day I would walk out the hospital doors holding our baby and on January 17th my miracle was born and two days later that hope became a reality as we left the hospital with Kinsley’s beautiful sister, Kyla. That moment was everything to me and I realized I survived, I have laughed again and my smile has come back. We carry Kinsley always in our heart and Kyla will know all about her brave, beautiful sister. She is still very much apart of our family and always will be.
I have to thank my family, my childhood friends and sharing parents for being there for me in my darkest days, giving me hope, introducing me to life long friends and always remember our Kinsley. So for all of you in the thick of it or going through a bad day or season find that one hope that gets you to the next day or reach out to other parents who know your grief because we aren’t meant to do this broken journey alone. We are all strong, we are survivors of the unthinkable, we aren’t alone, and your child will never be forgotten. Kinsley will always be my first baby girl. We love you so very much and I hope we make you proud.
